Where's the Soul Shriveling Terror!
by icedragonchilde
Summary: crossover with Harry Potter. Complete and utter crack, inserted into my graymatter by the JILLIONS of other HPNaruto crossovers. Voldemort lands in Konoha. . .please don't kill me. . .please?


_Author's Note: I would just like to take this opportunity to formally apologize to the whole Harry Potter fandom. This is not my fault, please do not kill me. It all started one day when I was thinking about the 'avada kedavra'. . (sp??) curse and how hyped up it is in the books and. . .how not terribly impressive it really is. Everything else just happened. I am fully aware that Voldemort can do more than this, but just. . .just. . .just please do not burn my house down._

_Any reviews that cannot be used to toast marshmallows would be dearly loved!_

_I am not even gonna try to explain how Voldemort popped up in Konoha, and Voldy's really OOC, but I figure hey! He's already out of (original) body, out of (his) mind, out of world, and even out of universe, so why shouldn't he be out of character just to complete things?_

_Also, don't try to fit this into the Naruto timeline anywhere as IT WILL NOT FIT AT ALL!_

_Disclaimer: I own nothing. Not even the chicken in the background. That belonged to my cousin until it died._

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"Oi, Sasuke! Where'd this guy come from?"

The dark-haired boy simply sighed and didn't bother answering his flamboyant counterpart.

"Hey. . .hey, Mister!" Sasuke's silence did not seem to deter the hyper, blond boy. "Hey, who are you?" Naruto prodded at the black cloaked figure. The tall man turned to glower at him, cold eyes dripping with malice.

"**How DARE you address the Dark Lord Voldemort in such a manner!"** the stranger hissed.

Naruto started, "Whoa! Hey, sorry, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings or anything, I just. . .oh geez, are you _crying_??" The youth asked, stricken, as he started digging in his pockets for a hankerchief.

This was not exactly the response the Dark Lord was expecting. The annoying child had not even seemed to notice that he talked in bold letters, which was no easy feat. **"What are you babbling about?? I most certainly am NOT crying."**

Naruto ceased his futile hunt for a tissue. "Then. . .what's that stuff leaking out of your eyes?"

Somewhat confused, the tall man reached up and felt the stuff dripping down his face. **"Malice! That's MALICE!!"** he roared, **"Didn't you read the description of me a few paragraphs ago?!!"**

Naruto blinked. "Huh?"

In the background, a certain dark-haired boy sighed again.

The Dark Lord deflated, just a little. It seemed that these brats had no idea who he was. He re-inflated. In that case, he would just have to TEACH them, heh heh heh heh heh. . . . .

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Six hours later, Naruto was snoring profoundly as Voldemort lectured in front of a makeshift chalkboard that he had conjured. (The board was mainly filled with nostalgic drawings of when he was young, and handsome, and had hair, and eyebrows. . .and a nose. . .) In the middle of one of Voldemort's numerous, lengthy rants about how much he hated Harry Potter, Dumbledore, rhubarb pie, his neighbor's dog, and the entire world in general, Sasuke gave a discreet cough while simultaneously kicked Naruto awake.

Voldemort turned, glowering at the interruption, his entire face slimy from all the malice that was oozing from his eyes.

"This is all well and good," Sasuke drawled in a distinctly bored tone, "But really, what use is all this 'magic' anyway? It doesn't sound all that great to me."

"Yeah!" Naruto agreed enthusiastically, "Not to mention that without that little stick thingy you're pretty much toast." he added, proving that he had actually been able to absorb some of the Dark Lord's lecture subconsciously.

"**You doubt my power?!"** Voldemort practically shrieked. He decided to take the two blank stares he was receiving as a "yes."** "With my magic I can rend the very earth asunder!!"** he demonstrated by pointing his wand at the ground and shouting an incantation. Light flashed and ripped a small chasm in the earth beside them. **"You see?!!"**

Sasuke's perpetual deadpan and Naruto's open cluelessness and distinct lack-of-soul-striveling-terror-at-the-mere-mention-of-his-name was starting to get to the Dark Lord. He might have been losing his cool. A little. Gallons of malice squirting out of his eyes notwithstanding.

"Hi, guys!" a cheerful voice said behind him, "Who's the creepy-looking weirdo?"

Voldemort turned to see a pink-haired girl join the two boys.

"Ah! Sakura-chaaaaan!" Naruto cried happily, "This is Vo. . .Voldimortis. . .Voluminous. . .Voluntarious. . .Vivisector. . ."

"**VOLDEMORT!!!"**

"Oh yeah!" The boy's grin shone of pure, clueless innocence. "Volmedort here was just showing us how great magic is! Look! He just blasted that. . .uh. . .crack. . .in the ground!" Naruto seemed like he was really trying to make the Dark Lord look good.

"Um. . .okaaaay. . ." Sakura bend down and flicked the ground casually with one finger, creating a gaping tear in the earth that dwarfed Voldemort's. "What's so great about that?" she asked, confused.

Voldemort felt a growing pressure to show just how awesome and soul-shriveling-terror-worthy he was. He'd just have to show them his most terrifying spells. He chuckled maliciously, as the malice that was spurting from his eyes had so drenched him he had accidentally swallowed some.

"**Fine! Feel true terror! The killing curse! Avada Kedavra!!!"** _DIE, YOU LITTLE BRAT!!_ he thought with maniacal glee as green light shot towards Naruto.

The blond boy barely twitched, and the spell missed him by a mile. Voldemort's hysterical laughter suddenly became a hacking cough as it lodged somewhere between his chest and mouth.

Sakura thumped him helpfully on the back.

Voldemort straightened, clearing his throat, **"Of course it was my intent to miss, but had that spell hit you, it would have killed you instantly."** He smiled, his teeth slick with the malice that had dripped into his mouth.

"That spell." Naruto said, slowly and clearly, an odd expression on his face.

"**Yes."**

"Would have killed me." Naruto's odd expression grew. . .odder.

"**Yes."** Voldemort smirked. _Ha! NOW you will collapse in soul-shriveling terror!!_

"Umm. . ." Naruto held up a kunai, "This kinda does the same thing."

The silence was filled by a faint "_Thhhbbthtt. . ._" sound as Voldemort started to deflate again.

There also might have been a chicken clucking distantly in the background.

"**Well. . .well. . .! I can control people with the Imperius Curse!!"** He made a valiant attempt to gather up his remaining dignity and soul-shriveling-evilness.

"Hey, you guys all right?" a new voice interrupted. Voldemort turned and saw a bored-looking boy with a spikey ponytail stroll up. The boy raised his hand in a half-hearted wave. To the Dark Lord's considerable surprise, his own hand rose of its own accord and mirrored the movement. Shortly after, Voldemort came to the rather upsetting realization that he couldn't move. "Hey, I saw this guy shoot at Naruto. What's going on?" As the boy walked up, Voldemort found he was forced to copy the youth's every move.

"Oh, hey Shikamaru!" Naruto called enthusiastically, "This is Vasculort. You can go ahead and release him—we aren't fighting."

"Che, how troublesome." the spikey-head grumbled.

Voldemort's limbs suddenly were freed and he thought he saw a shadow snaking away from him. **"Well. . .there's. . .there's also the Cruciatus Curse!!"** he cried. Surely THIS would make them cower in soul-shriveling terror. **"It is the most exquisite torture! Enough to drive men mad!!"** He couldn't restrain a bit of hysterical laughter at that, which made him frown inwardly. He wasn't the hysterical-laughter type. It must be the stress.

Naruto blinked, and twisted around to look at his silent friend. "Oi! Sasuke! Isn't that kinda like what Itachi did to you and Kakashi-sensei? Can't you do that too?"

Sasuke sighed yet again, lifting blood-red eyes to the other boy. Voldemort frowned. He could have sworn the boy's eyes had been black a moment ago. "No, Naruto, I can't. I'd need to kill you in order to activate that ability. Haven't we already been over this? ("Like when you WERE trying to kill me?" Naruto interrupted.) But either way, this Cruciatus thing doesn't sound like anything that can't be done with genjustsu."

Voldemort had no idea what they were talking about, but it didn't seem like they were about to collapse in soul-shriveling terror anytime soon. **"I. . .I can talk to snakes and make them obey me!!!"** He was really grasping at straws now, but surely that must be an unusual and at least _slightly_ creepy ability.

Sasuke gave the slightest snort and bit down on his own thumb until blood seeped out. He then slammed his hand to the ground and suddenly he was rising into the air on the head of a giant serpent. The huge reptile did not seem very happy to be there, and was just opening its mouth to do heaven-knows-what when Sasuke made a gesture and dismissed it. The snake disappeared in a puff of smoke.

Silence.

_Thhbbthhtttt. . ._

"**I. . .I. . .!!!"** Voldemort was getting desperate, **"I can apparate anywhere!"** he shouted wildly.

POOF!!

"Yo. Sorry I'm late, I got lost on the—"

"LIAR!!"

Voldemort jumped as both Naruto and Sakura shouted simultaneously at the silver-haired newcomer. The two immediately began yelling at the man about how he's ALWAYS late and how maybe he'd be on time once in a while if he wasn't always reading that perverted BOOK and this was NO way for a Jounin to act and. . .

_THHHBBBTHHTTTTtttttttt. . ._

The Dark Lord Voldemort was now little more than some loose robes flopping about gently in the wind, completely forgotten by the yelling ninjas.


End file.
